Low Self-Esteem, Self-Criticism — And How CBT Can Help
Many people describe low self-esteem as a constant background noise: a sense that they’re not good enough, not doing enough, or somehow falling short. For some, it’s a harsh inner critic that jumps in at every opportunity — commenting on mistakes, comparing them to others, or predicting that they’ll fail before they even begin.
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Low self-esteem and self-criticism are incredibly common, and they don’t mean anything is “wrong” with you. Often, they’re learned over years of experiences, expectations, and messages that have shaped how you see yourself.
In this post, I’ll break down why these patterns develop, how they get maintained, and what evidence-based strategies can help you feel more confident, kinder toward yourself, and more able to move towards the life you want.
What Low Self-Esteem Actually Looks Like
Low self-esteem isn’t just “feeling bad” or being shy. It often shows up in very specific ways, such as:
Constantly second-guessing yourself
Feeling like small mistakes mean something huge about you
Comparing yourself unfavourably to others
Finding it hard to accept compliments
Feeling guilty or ashamed even when you haven’t done anything wrong
Struggling to say no or set boundaries
Avoiding situations where you might be judged
Feeling you need to be perfect to be acceptable
Having an self-critical inner monologue
Many people describe it as a “filter” that colours everything they do. You could achieve something others applaud, but your mind quickly finds the flaws. Or you could have a neutral day at work, but your brain fixates on the one awkward conversation or small error.
Why We Become Self-Critical
No one is born self-critical. These patterns usually develop for protective reasons. For example:
1. Early experiences
Growing up in environments where approval was inconsistent, criticism was common, or high standards were expected can lead to internalising a belief like:
“I must be perfect or I’m not good enough.”
2. Comparison and social pressures
Social media, school, workplaces — people often feel they need to meet certain expectations to be valued.
3. Difficult or invalidating relationships
If you’ve been around people who dismissed your feelings, treated you unfairly, or made you feel “too much” or “not enough,” it’s easy to assume they must be right.
4. Trying to stay safe
This is important: Self-criticism often starts as a form of self-protection. Your brain thinks that if it points out everything that could go wrong, or everything you’ve done “wrong,” it will stop you from being rejected, embarrassed, or criticised by others. It’s not helpful — but it makes sense.
When the World Has Told You You’re “Not Enough”
Sometimes low self-esteem develops not just from personal experiences, but from the wider environments we grow up and live in. Many people absorb messages about their worth long before they’re able to question them.
This might include experiences such as:
being part of a minority or marginalised community and facing discrimination or exclusion
growing up in families or cultures where difference was criticised
hearing that aspects of your identity, culture, sexuality, or background are “wrong”
experiencing racism, homophobia, or other forms of prejudice
spending years in environments where safety or acceptance wasn’t guaranteed
These messages can be very powerful — not because they reflect anything true about you, but because repeated exposure shapes the beliefs we hold about ourselves.
And on top of that, many people live in societies that reward achievement, productivity, or “success” over wellbeing. In environments like this, it’s easy to feel you must constantly prove yourself or meet certain standards to be worthy. That pressure can deepen self-criticism or create the sense that you’re forever falling short.
If some of this resonates, it makes complete sense that low self-esteem might be part of your experience. And it’s absolutely possible to gently unlearn these messages and develop a more grounded, authentic sense of who you are.
The Vicious Cycle of Low Self-Esteem
Low self-esteem is often maintained by a self-reinforcing cycle that can feel invisible, but understanding it is the first step to change.
Negative core beliefs
These are deep assumptions we hold about ourselves, such as “I’m not good enough,” “I’ll always fail,” or “I don’t deserve care or attention.” Core beliefs are often subconscious — we take them for granted and may not even be aware of how strongly they shape our experience. They often develop over time in response to early experiences, relationships, and wider societal pressures.Self-critical thoughts
These arise from deeper core beliefs. Unlike core beliefs, self-critical thoughts are usually conscious — the inner commentary you notice that points out mistakes, compares you to others, or predicts failure. While these thoughts feel automatic and convincing, they are interpretations rather than facts.Information-processing bias
Once negative beliefs are in place, the brain starts filtering experiences in ways that confirm them. You might notice errors more than successes, or recall criticism more than praise. It’s like wearing tinted glasses — the world itself isn’t changing, but your perception is. This selective attention strengthens the sense that your core beliefs are accurate.Unhelpful behaviours
In response to these thoughts and biases, people often avoid challenges, overwork to “prove themselves,” people-please, or withdraw. While these behaviours can provide short-term relief, they inadvertently reinforce the negative beliefs, creating a feedback loop that feels impossible to escape.
Over time, this cycle can run quietly for years, which is why people often say:
“I’ve felt like this for as long as I can remember.”
CBT helps by identifying each part of this cycle — core beliefs, self-critical thoughts, biases, and behaviours — and experimenting with ways to gently interrupt it. This lays the foundation for building a more compassionate, balanced relationship with yourself.
How CBT Helps You Change Your Relationship With Yourself
CBT is one of the most well-researched therapies for addressing low self-esteem and self-criticism. It works by helping you notice and understand the different parts of the vicious cycle — core beliefs, self-critical thoughts, information-processing biases, and unhelpful behaviours — and gently interrupt them.
1. Bringing core beliefs into awareness
Many core beliefs are subconscious, which means we often operate under them without realising their influence. CBT helps you uncover these hidden assumptions and understand how they shape your self-criticism, behaviours, and emotional responses. Simply becoming aware of these patterns can reduce their automatic power and provide a sense of control.
2. Working with self-critical thoughts
CBT also helps you recognise and manage the self-critical thoughts these beliefs can trigger. You learn to notice these thoughts as they arise and start to change your relationship with them, so you have more choice in how to respond. This doesn’t mean forcing positive thinking — it’s about seeing thoughts as interpretations, not facts.
3. Understanding and challenging information-processing biases
CBT also addresses the ways your mind selectively attends to evidence that supports negative beliefs. By learning to spot these biases, you can practice noticing successes, neutral events, and positive feedback that your brain might otherwise overlook. Over time, this helps weaken the “tinted glasses” effect and creates a more balanced view of yourself and your experiences.
4. Experimenting with behaviours
Because low self-esteem often leads to avoidance, overcompensation, or withdrawal, CBT encourages gradual behavioural experiments. These are small, safe steps that test out old assumptions, build confidence, and provide real-world evidence that challenges negative beliefs.
5. Building self-acceptance and self-compassion
Finally, CBT integrates approaches to foster self-compassion — treating yourself with the same care and understanding you would offer a friend. Research shows that cultivating self-compassion reduces shame, supports emotional resilience, and strengthens motivation, helping you respond to challenges with more confidence and less self-criticism.
Through these steps, CBT provides a structured yet flexible approach to gently shift the patterns that maintain low self-esteem, helping you develop a more compassionate, balanced, and authentic relationship with yourself.
You Don’t Need to Feel This Way Forever
Low self-esteem and self-criticism are incredibly common — and they’re also patterns that can shift. Through understanding where these beliefs came from, working gently with the self-critical voice, and building new ways of responding, many people find they can feel more confident, grounded and connected to themselves again.
If what you’ve read here resonates, you’re welcome to reach out. I offer a free 15-minute consultation where we can talk through what’s been happening, what you're looking for, and whether we might be a good fit.
